The Bunnies of Ostara Will Have Their Revenge!

You may have come today in anticipation of another of my calenderically-specific rantacitudes. But lo, I come with good tidings (or bad, if you have the questionable judgement or taste to actually enjoy my ecclectic spoutings), for I have nothing to say very much at all about this annual seasonal moment. Easter is ... fine. A little indulgent, perhaps, but not any worse than Christmas or birthdays, and certainly no worse than Obligation Day. It might be nice if it stayed put a little more and stopped jumping about the calendar like the chocolate bunnies it has come to signify in the hearts and stomachs of the young and forgivably gluttonous, but there are enough electronic reminders to prevent catastrophe.
     To celebrate the coming of Spring is perfectly wonderful (though given the view outside we could have held off for a few more weeks until at least a glimmer of sunshine); and as for the good ol' J-man, three high-fives and a pip pip for taking one for the team and coming back with a smile! This is, after all, a time for interesting stories, spiritual reflection, tying up financial ends, scoffing chocolate, and generally living it small, which is everything I can call good and proper.
     Birth. Rebirth. etc. etc. None of this poses anything worth getting all heated and sticky about, and so I feared I would get through this entire season without anything so much as a raised eyebrow.
     Then I saw this:


     Okay. So there doesn't seem to be anything particular worrying about this - nothing out of the festive ordinary - nothing to make the heart revulse with horror - nothing to set the mind aflame with a million accusations of indecency - nothing, to put it splendidly, about which up one should get riled. Just an ordinary plush bunny made to resemble the international Lindt chocolate treat. *ding*
     Now here's the description from their website:

"A beautifully crafted, cute and cuddly Gold Bunny Soft Toy from Lindt is a brilliant gift for Easter! Containing 3 delicious Chocolate Milk Mini Gold Bunnies 10g it’s the perfect gift to put a smile on every child’s face."

     Putting aside the obvious punctuation issues here, there still doesn't seem much to concern. But did you catch the bit about the Mini Gold Bunnies contained within? Well, it wouldn't be the first time a gift or confectionary came with added goodies inside. That's not the issue at all. The issue, my friends, is anatomical.

Those of a sensitive disposition should look away now.









     WHAT THE ACTUAL FUDGE-COVERED BROWNIES?!

     Ladies and gentleman, I present to you Lindt's patented 'My First Bunny Birthing Kit!^TM, because, apparently, one of the chocolatiers thought the only way to make their products more delicious was to force you to zip open a rabbit's underparts, plunge your hand into its well-stuffed depths, and retrieve its newborn young to get at them.
     THIS IS NOT OKAY, LINDT! THIS IS NOT OKAY!
     I have always been a bit troubled by the whole 'confectionary-made-to-look-like-happy-critters' thing, but I consumed enough Freddos in my time to render any objection I might make hypocritical.
     And yet! There is really not anything more I can say about this.
     Happy Easter, everyone! When the vengeful Bunnies of Ostara¹ rise up against us, we shall pay the price for our peculiar indulgences. May Bunny God and his many bunny sons and saviours have mercy on our delicious, nougaty souls!








¹ Ostara


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A small thank you to Purple Honeycreeper for pointing me in the direction of this nightmarish discovery. If ever I am in want of pictures of plushie genitalia, I'll know who to ask.